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A Eulogy For Those Still Here

by Counterparts

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1.
7/26/2020 00:38
2.
Begging from the floor as you stare in the face of starvation. Sacrifice myself to secure your safety. I choked on the taste of tears until both of my eyes ran dry. Refusing to believe false prophets that claimed you would not survive. It’s hard to breathe without you sleeping on my chest. Sick and withering from the whispers of your death. Forever your saviour, as much as you are mine… and for that I promise to protect you until the day I die. Clinging to what little you had come with until my fingernails scratched through to bone. Collapsing in arms of uncertainty, knowing I could never let you go. Tearing out what’s left of my insides to spare you from your sickness. Make your cancer mine.
3.
Replace me with a pawn, a victim unaware. The shepherd appointed to a corpse. Bound to the burn. Collected from my cross before my breathing stops. A testament to routine sacrifice. A casket calls my name, cast from my constraint. My final fleeting flame will remain asleep while my airways fill with smoke. How I long to watch the curtains close. Bound to the burn, my calling compromised. Bound to the burn, my dedication dies. Let me leave, I’ve given enough.
4.
Beneath my bared teeth lives the unwavering vow: to be the reason that the ones who love you mourn. Revel in relief, redemption reassured: when not even your ghost will be left to take your place on earth. In dreams I watched you die, now I can’t wait to close my eyes. Encased within your grave, deservingly enslaved where no echo will emerge. Former prey decides your fate, crying out to a world that couldn’t hear your final words. If I could, I’d murder you myself. Penance will persuade me to venture from vengeance and repress the hunger in me for revenge. Caress of consequence assures my innocence. Your self-inflicted suffering will satisfy my thirst.
5.
I offered you my wings in hopes you would take flight. Salvaging the skin of open arms, grieving though you have left my side. Deception will eclipse our sinking sun, likening our form to silhouettes, when the light between us dims. Praying I could pull you out of hell… though you grew dependant on it’s warmth as you gathered bones from helping hands. In search of sedation: salvation sacrificed, replaced by the breath of strangled throats. A mutual disease in different forms: nourishing the need to escape from the curse of consciousness. Imprisoned by fixation, I understand your pain… surrendering to my own source of slow death. Grieving though you haven’t left my side, knowing that one day you’ll disappear… as I write a eulogy for those still here.
6.
I fall before your eyes like rain. Drawn towards the sky, I’m saved. Forgotten like the skin beneath a scar. Hollowed by the hurt I’ve left behind. Hollowed by the hurt I couldn’t hide. My sanctuary seized by flames. I have no way to leave but I can’t stay.
7.
Sworn to silence, not another sterile sound will escape from my jaw. Sworn to silence, pry open my mouth. Pulling teeth to place within your palms. Tear into my throat and gather for yourself the final act of charity I wasn’t fit to give. Forced remembrance will pour out of my head and evaporate before it hits the ground. Using knives to rewrite my last rites. Drain the blood I couldn’t retain. Drain my blood to purge you of pain. Drain the blood, vacant and vain. Tear into my throat and gather for yourself a scripture insincere and unfit to preach in faith. Forced remembrance will pour out of my head, devoid of the nourishment you need.
8.
No amount of love will free me from my flaws. Perfection fits it’s noose around my neck. Shed the failing shell as I await my end, pursuing decaying foundation. Longing to withdraw inherited excess, to recreate the form from which I came. No amount of love will free me from my flaws or shield me from what mirrors might reflect. Dissection of self: I ache to be anyone else. A veil of confidence torn and transparent, revealing the bitter taste of truth. Carried in the wind, harvested organs will revise a mold that went unmatched. Dragging my face through broken glass, I see no god in me.
9.
Soil II 02:25
The soil is the last thing that we ingest, we watch our ashes scatter. You are your memorial, find your mark and make it. Tragedy unearthed as apparitions swarm, following a fading set of steps. Anatomy advanced, our history transformed. Heartless as we try to permit the healing process. The rats we have hand-fed spread our contagion. The ones we love will let us down.
10.
I’m running out of flesh to fill your wounds. Why did you bring me back to life when I don’t deserve to be alive? Adapted to the absence of a love that has forgotten I exist. We sleep on beds of nails, but no amount of pain could resurrect the dead. Bury me in the skin you swore you’d save until I needed shelter. Drowning me in the blood you swore we shared until my limbs grew numb. Beggar. I felt your pulse fall out of sync with mine. Abandonment is all I’ve ever known. Severed hands couldn’t force my heart to beat and even when you’re with me, I’m alone. Bury me in the skin you swore you’d save until I needed shelter. Blinding me with images you swore I’d never see… until my conscience fades.
11.
I carve “goodbye” with a fallen angel’s spine and watch the coffins close wishing one were mine. My sentiments unsung. Lips sewn shut, halo deformed. A keepsake of shadows dissolved without light. Buried alive, my spirit in dirt. Wear my mark on your skin. Eyes roll back, torn between heaven and earth. My spirit in dirt, buried alive. Torn between heaven and earth, shower my spirit in dirt. A requiem, a sermon spoken in tongues. Forgiveness forged, my sentiments unsung. A prayer unheard, I’ll find my place in a mass grave of saints. I watch the coffins close, wishing one were mine. Backwards in both wrists, I carve “goodbye.”

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released October 7, 2022

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Pure Noise Records Nashville, Tennessee

Independent record label since 2009.

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